Setpoints and Setbacks!

I just returned from a trip to Utah where I watched my “honorary adopted” daughter, Virginia, be married to her prince, Scott Richins. I also used this time to visit my mom and sister and some friends. It was a good time and I went to the gym 5 out of the 7 days I was there. I wanted to eat healthy and well and when I returned home, I had my first opportunity to step on the scale and see what had occurred. I was shocked, surprised and delighted to see the scale read 281.0 I couldn’t believe it! I had to weigh myself FOUR more times just to verify its accuracy. 6.6 pounds in 7 days! I was elated, jumping up and down. I LOST WEIGHT on VACATION! Could anything be better, “I submit it cannot”! Today I stepped on the scale again and read 283.0. I was blown away! How could I have gained two pounds in one day when I only ate 1448 calories and exercised for almost two hours for 901 calories spent (according to Fitday.com, of course, but what do they know). But there it was--two pounds up! Why? Why???? Why!!!!! Water retention? Muscle gain? What?

Here again, the almighty scale is pre-dominant in my thoughts. Again, I try to figure out what is going on. I should relax and be happy. I mean originally I only wanted to weigh 290 by the end of March, and then 285, I would have been very happy, but by dangling 281 in front of me, I found myself unsatisfied for the 283. This is so much of a game of cat and mouse. I think I’ve got the problem solved and licked, and it comes back to bite me in the foot. My emotions are intertwined with the scale. It doesn’t matter how many people come up and tell me that I’m looking great, that they can see I’ve lost weight, etc. I want validation from the numbers! Today a woman I don’t ever remember seeing came up to me and said, “I’ve been watching you for three years and I just want you to know I can tell you have lost weight.” “Three years,” I thought, “She couldn’t have said that unless she knew I have been going to the gym for three years.” The tragedy is that I weigh what I weighed when I started at the gym. I had gained 40+ pounds and I finally had lost it. In another ten pounds I will be at my lowest point in the past 10 years, and then as each new set-point is reached, I will say, the last time I weighed this was 1997 or 1991 or 1985. The numbers are a carrot being dangled in front of me.

I started this blog the first week of April and here it is the day after taxes and I still haven’t finished it. I went to the gym this morning and watched Julie & Julia and it was so mesmerizing that I had to work out for 35 minutes on my favorite bouncy elliptical, 35 minutes on the bike and 35 minutes on the treadmill and finished off the total 123 minute movie in the women’s locker room changing into my swimsuit. It was wonderful. I was right there with her making Lobster Thermidor and Boeuf Bourguignon and tasting the raspberry crème and thinking this is wonderful, this is grand, this is life! I couldn’t help feeling like Julie, an unpublished writer, who is trying to define and find herself and does it through food. I thought maybe I would define myself by “not eating food.” And write about my experiences of losing weight, but I realized another interesting component in the movie and that is the crucial difference between a fat and thin person. “Self-absorption.” Not saying thin people can’t be compassionate, caring, and nurturing, nor that fat people aren’t selfish and narcissistic, but it was the original reason a blog had a little or no interest to me. Writing about me all the time is overwhelmingly shallow and uninteresting! Talking about the frustrations of being fat and trying to lose weight is even more tedious! At least I think it is!
But there is so much more and so many more ideas that come to me when I ponder how I got to this point and what I am learning from it and then I wonder, “What’s the point of writing?” And I realize it is somewhat cathartic, but it also enables me to verbalize and visualize my angst as I’m going through this becoming a new person.

Many people when they lose weight all of sudden have lots of people acknowledging them and admiring them and they get hurt because they feel, “I was always inside here, why didn’t anyone notice me?” The problem was they noticed the fat person and all they could see was the fat. “She’s so fat” jokes and all kidding aside, being obese is seen as a crime. People look at obese people and think, “How did she ever get so fat!” “How can she stand to be seen in a swimsuit!” “Doesn’t she know her clothes are bursting at the seams?” “Why doesn’t she lose weight!” “Why is she eating chocolate!” It’s like a fat person is “weighed” in the balance, tried, convicted and sentenced among a group of her thin peers and we ALL do it! I am just as guilty as the next person of condemning a person for being fat! I used to dream of being Tongan where fat is seen as a sign of wealth and status, or in a Rubens painting—now there are some voluptuous curves. But try as we might to see fat as positive, we live in a world where even the most beautiful women are “air-touched” and enhanced to look more thin and beautiful, and so we all have self-hate issues, where we look at our physical features and condemn then for not being perfect.
For the past several years I have made it a practice to see people, really see them. I think it was after reading The Anatomy of Peace and Leadership and Self-Deception and the desire to be “out of the box.” In the Anatomy of Peace they talk about I-It and I-Thou and I guess I skimmed over it and didn’t really read it the first time, but this last week as I was reading it again, it struck a responsive chord. I realized that many, many times I see people as annoyances to my personal space. For example, I am planning on going in the hot tub for a final “massage” and comfort spot and voila someone steps in the tub just when I wanted to and I think, “Get out, I want it all to myself!” But then I think, “Okay, Marilyn, let’s really see this person and listen to his or her story.” And you know what? Every single time I have done this, I have been so grateful for the connecting with another human being and my heart has been softened. It is literally amazing to me.

Recently, I decided to make an effort to talk to a man I watch almost every day coming into the pool. He seemed very self-absorbed and into himself and so I started talking to him and he immediately warmed up and smiled. I discovered that he is from the Ukraine and can barely speak English and now every time I come to the pool and see him, he smiles a huge smile at me and waves. And I think there was a very lonely man who everyone ignored and now he has a friend. Will the scale ever be my friend? Doubtful. Will I ever be able to look at a weigh fluctuation and not get depressed? Not likely! No-“I-Thee” there, the scale is definitely an I-IT!!

Is it easy or is it hard?

Losing weight is like walking a tightrope. Some days you have the grace and style that enables you to walk effortlessly across the rope without a quiver or a stumble. Other days, life is out of balance and even one step across the rope portends an imminent fall or crash. People ask me how the lap-band is doing and honestly it is one of the easiest weight loss tools of my life. But on the other hand, it still takes commitment and dedication.

In some ways it is like Christ’s invitation to take upon ourselves His yoke. He says that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. But I don’t think anyone would disagree that Christ’s yoke is somewhat uncomfortable at times (I mean it is a yoke, right!) and easy is a comparative word. It’s easier than Satan’s bondage because it gives one peace and peace of mind is a great blessing. But also it is a long-term commitment whose rewards are not instantaneous, but rather accumulative. So I would say that a lap-band is like the still small voice that tells you to keep going and keep picking yourself up after tumbling into the net below. Unfortunately, because it is a still small voice, I can override it with my actions, so I have to be pretty committed and have to keep going and keep using the lap-band as a tool rather than the solution. Losing weight is work. And I am working hard, but with a lap-band losing weight is also easy and light.

Sometimes when I am very hungry or at least think I am very hungry and just want to gobble any and everything in sight, the lap-band will pull me up short with a terribly uncomfortable feeling that says, “Oh and by the way, you didn’t chew that enough, you didn’t eat slowly enough, and you definitely will be coughing and maybe coughing up what you thought was so vitally important to stuff in your mouth.” Then there comes that moment of illumination when you say, “Oh, yeah, right, I do want to lose weight and this might not be the smartest thing I’ve done.”

So it needs recommitment every day and it needs a moment or two to get back on track and say, “Keep going, overcome the plateaus, think past the moment frustrations, and keep working at it.” Whereas before the lap-band, my remorse at overeating occurred after I had eaten thousands and thousands of calories. Now, I do get an immediate sensation after only a couple hundred extra calories and that is a great blessing. As my stepdad, Bill would say:

Patience is a virtue
Achieve it if you can
Seldom found in women
And never in a man!

So I try to think of the ultimate goal and when I am hungry and want something like a Costco chocolate muffin, I grab the fresh raspberries and strawberries and say, “Not today!” It is hard and easy, a mind game and an impulsive thirst. But being able to have a non-human, unemotional device that reminds me, “HEY!! Stop eating!” in a very kind and effective way, makes it EASY.

The Almighty Scale and the Power of TEN!

It seems ridiculous that a mechanical weights and measures device can be so important when one is losing weight, but it is! And although diet books caution you against weighing yourself every day, I can’t help it. So every morning after my workout, shower and blow-drying my hair, I stand buck-naked on the Gold Gym’s scale in the women’s locker room and wait with anticipation to see if I have lost another tenth of a pound. On days that I do, I skip, I dance, I “yippee” and on days that I don’t lose anything, I murmur, “Oh well,” and on days that I GAIN---ooooh, that’s ugly!

Last week as I watched that scale descend bit by bit, every day was a happy day. Then on the weekend I wasn’t able to make it to the gym and I had to hope that all was well; however, on Monday rather than that descending ounce or two, I saw a TWO POUND increase! I immediately started my “Jeremiad” and lamentations! Admittedly, I did eat a piece of chocolate cake at Virginia’s bridal shower and a chicken-filled croissant, but on the whole a mere 1697 calories for Saturday and 1438 calories on Sunday do not constitute a two-pound increase. People tried to assuage my fury with comments about “water retention” and “natural rhythms of your body,” etc. but it was poppycock as far as I was concerned. I knew that I hadn’t been exercising that day and if don’t exercise, all food goes to fat. So for the next three days, I increased my activity and ate under 1500 and finally this morning, Thursday, March 11, 2010, I lost what I should have lost last week and hit 290.2 pounds. As the scale waffled between 289 and 290, I cheered for the straight 290.0 because no matter what we think and believe there is a huge difference between 290.2 and 290.0. It’s the power of 10! Being under 300 was a magic moment for me and somehow when one hits that 290, it’s another great moment. Every ten is ten pounds and no matter if you start at 333 or 327, or 224, it’s those ten’s, those zeros that somehow signal success. I don’t get it, I don’t understand it, but I know it to be true. My friend, Lynette wanted to lose 90 pounds and she hovered at 88.9, it’s just not 90, and another friend, Debbie, wanted to be under 200 pounds and somehow 201, doesn’t do it. No matter how much weight one has lost before unless one gets to one of those defining zeros, it is like life hangs in the balance.

Let me explain. In 1991, I wanted to get down to 180, but try as I might, after losing 69 pounds in 7 months, 182 was as close as I got and then I gave up. I joined Weight Watchers with my friends and it was a wonderful time, but try as I might I worked to get over that 50 pound weight loss mark and get the applause, adulation and a key chain token, I never made it. I lost 46 pounds and no further, and then I just gave up. In 2007, I started again to beat the dragon at 319.5 pounds and got to 271, 48.5 pound weight loss and then no further. What is it with 50!!! I would scream. But what was even worse is that from June 1st to October 1st (4 months) I lost 42 pounds in 4 months making 10 pounds a month. From October 1st to January 1st I lost only 6 pounds (2 pounds a month!!!!) I’m sorry, but it almost impossible to keep struggling to lose weight when there are no “scale” reinforcements! Yes, many may say, “I can tell you have lost weight.” And you just have to smile because you know that not an ounce has gone away and people say, “Well muscle weighs more than fat.” Yes, but there is so much fat can’t it take a vacation as well. A smaller dress size is a wonderful sign, but that “almighty scale” is what we want to read, SHOW ME THE NUMBERS!!! And what is even sadder is that we remember what we weighed at significant moments: when we got married, when we turned 30, 40, when we went to get our driver’s license, etc. It reminds me of the story of a granddaughter who was cleaning up her grandmother’s belongings after her death and took a picture down off the wall and noticed some writing on the back. Thinking it might have given more information about when and where the photo was taken, she looked carefully and read, “125 pounds.”

Yes, unfortunately, try as I might not to let those numbers mean anything, they unfortunately really mean the difference between my skipping down the stairs with a smile on my face ready to meet the world and my trudging along thinking, “Why, why, WHY!!!” Many say that the number on the scale isn’t that important, it’s how you feel, your health, wellness, etc., but sadly for me and my house, IT IS EVERYTHING!! When the numbers don’t appear, then the constant hunger pains, the passing up foods you want, and the hours of exercise seem to blur and you lose patience and focus and surrender to call of the siren. Food never tastes as good and the joy of being full again overcomes those feelings of guilt and pound by pound one puts back the pounds of struggle and effort. It is hard to lose weight and keep it off, but for me the lap-band is a tool that somehow quiets the siren and makes a weight gain less tragic than in years past.

This time, when I cross that 50-pound mark, I look forward to another 50 and then another 50. The lap-band has given me hope that I never knew existed. I find myself full on a “serving.” I can’t eat the large quantities nor do I hear the constant singing of that “food siren.” It is much easier to keep committed and to work hard when eating large portions is no longer satisfying, filling, or delightful. Gone is the feeling of deprivation and denial. I feel the way a thin person feels; I can’t eat any more, not because I don’t want to eat it, but physically, I just can’t eat it (something that NEVER occurred before the lap-band, there was always room for one more piece of pie, scoop of ice cream, or See’s chocolate.) I know that as one gets older, the body starts to metabolize differently and it is harder and harder to lose weight, but for right now, there is a great deal of hope and I can visualize success. I am happy, even with a two-pound gain (even though I still don’t think I should have gained it) because it increased my desire to lose. It made me realize that I have to have “faith and works.” It made me more committed to be more careful, eat more wisely, and exercise with more energy and gusto. Sometimes it seems that life is ruled by the numbers or as Rob would say, “Math is the language of God.” Who knows? I’m beginning to think Rob has a point. I mean with all the comments about being “weighed in the balance and found wanting” maybe there is some truth to it. Who knows, maybe God has a scale, too!

It's Faith AND WORKS!

Last Monday (February 22nd) I went to the monthly "Lap-banders" meeting and met Jana Sifuentes. She was at the original meeting I attended two years ago and learned that all the sensors that tell you that you are full are at the top of the your stomach and that the lap-band enables those sensors to be activated. It was an "AHA" moment I will never forget. So when Jana came up to me, it was very nostalgic. Jana had her lap-band in January 2009, a year earlier but due to two surgeries had sort of not been able to keep active and had lost only 50-60 pounds. To me she looked great and looked like she had lost a lot more. We talked about the monthly meetings and she said what they really should do is hook up an experienced lap-bander with a newbie. I turned to her and said, "Will you be my mentor?" And so together we are sending each other daily reports on our calorie intake and outgo and for this past week. With the daily return and report, I have had another epiphany.

Despite what I knew and had heard, I was hoping that the lap-band would be the final answer to a lifetime of being overweight. And in many ways it is. It is somewhat like the gift of the atonement of Jesus Christ. It is a free gift that enables us to change, repent, and become as He is. But for many Christians, the idea is that all you have to do is believe in Christ and you will be saved. Well, that's what I sort of hoped the lap-band would be. All I needed to do was to have it installed and it would keep me on the straight and narrow. But in the first few weeks after my first fill, I was still comfortable having butter on my Brussell sprouts and cream on my fish sauce. So when Jana and I decided to do Fitday.com every day, it brought me up to reality. I realized that I was eating a lot more calories than I should be eating and that I would need to work to stop letting these extra sins, extra calories, aka extra peccadilloes creep in the way. It was amazing. This week I have lost three pounds and can really see that my eating was inhibiting my weight loss. I realized that I need to aim for under 1200 calories a day and with the lap band that is not only a possibility it is a reality, but it takes work. You just can’t say, “I believe” and not keep the commandments. You have to conform to the program. You have to do your part and that is one thing I have learned. However, before it seemed overwhelming to fight not only the voice but also my natural inclination to want to “fill my plate.” Now, I think, I need to keep my calories down, so I will have strawberries instead of fried potatoes, I will choose the broiled fish instead of the fish in cream sauce. I still can only eat a small amount, but the calories have come down and with it, so has my weight. It is true. In order for the lapband to be effective, you have to work. It is only a tool. Likewise, in order to become perfected, you have to work and work hard. We are saved by grace after all we can do, but God expects us to do—He expects us to work! And losing weight is not just a matter of making your stomach smaller it is also a matter of making correct choices, just as in the game of life.

The Call of the Sirens

Odysseus knew about the dangers of listening to the Sirens, but that still didn’t keep him from wanting to hear them, so he stuffed his sailors’ ears with wax, tied himself to the mast, and got his wish, to hear the song of the Sirens and not be killed. For me the call of the Siren has always been food. Sometimes it has just been a low incessant whisper, “you’re hungry, you’re hungry” that can be disregarded for a time but never ever completely ignored. Sometimes it comes as a loud booming, “gotta eat now, GOTTA EAT RIGHT NOW!” which can send me into a full-scale binge. But that consistent, insistent hum has never been very far from my brain. Therefore, it came as a delightful surprise in December when the music was turned off, and again in February, when the voice was silenced. But only 5 days later after my first fill on February 2nd, I found myself in the swimming pool, “wondering what I would want for breakfast.” As I waded through the water, I realized I was listening to call of the Siren again. I had forgotten the power of the call in just a few days, kind of like how moms forget how bad labor really is. The voice was strong and I found myself wanting to eat, looking for things to eat, and I thought, “Hey, what is going on?!” So I called up the doctor’s office to schedule another “fill.” Anything to keep the orchestra from playing; unfortunately, they couldn’t see me until the following week, so for almost 2 weeks, I have been listening to the “Siren’s call.” This lets me know exactly what a lap-band does, it silences the continuous drumming.

When my dad was in prison camp, he said the Japanese fed you just enough that kept you starving and craving food; whereas if you just stopped eating eventually you would have no desire nor ability to eat and you would die. But just a little here and a little there kept the appetite whetted and screaming, and the prisoners going crazy with hunger. Despite the Siren’s song, the lap-band has luckily prevented me from an all-out inhaling of food, but it did add a pound or two and definitely allowed me to eat more calories than I needed. This break from my “fill” has given me a reality check of exactly what my lap-band does for me. It turns off the SIREN! And that is wonderful!

Sometimes, I keep thinking how effortlessly it is to eat small amounts, when before if I started eating, I just couldn’t seem to stop eating; it was like a continual foraging for food. Yesterday, I went in for my second fill and it was miraculous, truly miraculous. Food had lost its appeal. I was downstairs in the temple cafeteria eating a chicken pot pie with David and literally I ate 5 bites, that was it, that was all I wanted, I was full. FIVE BITES! I had the same experience after my first fill, 4 ounces of salmon and two Brussels sprouts and I’m finished. It’s hard to believe that a cc of saline solution can have that kind of effect and give that kind of result! This morning when I went to the gym (as I always do, I weighed myself) and I had lost 3 pounds in one day. THREE POUNDS! For a week, I had been struggling to get back under 300 pounds and in ONE day without any effort at all or pretty minimal, voila, I’m 298. So what is it? In talking to Katherine, who injects the saline solution, it is a matter of timing and filling. The first couple of days your stomach may “swell” because it is being tightened and then it heals and loosens up, so trying to find that perfect sweet spot is quite the trial and error chore. I assume that I need it to be a little tighter than normal the first couple of days because it will relax and become “too easy” to eat. So rather than wait TWO WEEKS, I have scheduled another appointment for Wednesday, February 24th. Of course, Katherine says I am right on schedule (according to her) I have lost a pound a week—who wants to lose just a pound? I am voting for 2-3 pounds a week, but then I have never been one to be patient! She looked at my scars and said, “Oh, these are healing up quite nicely, you will have very tiny, almost unnoticeable little lines, you’re incisions are great.” And I counter incredulously, “Really, they’re healing nicely—they’re all red!” “Yes,” she smiled and answered, “but it usually takes 6 months for the red to go away and you’re doing great!”

So, although I am impatient patient and “short”-suffering subject, I am feeling hopeful. Today was another red-letter day. I needed a cookbook and our cookbooks are located above the fridge. Usually, I have to open the fridge get as close to the books as possible and tug, but I couldn’t see the “Slow-cooker Cookbook” I wanted and I had to make a decision. Do I get on a chair? That may sound pretty straightforward and uncomplicated to you, but I haven’t stood on a chair for more than two years--a ladder, a stepstool, okay, but not a chair, too high, too wobbly, too much effort and far too dangerous. But I wanted that book and I couldn’t see it, and so I grabbed a sturdy kitchen chair and hoisted myself up and I made it! It was amazing! A few minutes later, I did it again to look on the top shelf of the pantry. These are big strides! I have been enjoying a little more freedom of movement. This morning, I worked out on the “bouncy” elliptical, (it’s harder than the typical elliptical, more like you are on a trampoline) for 25 minutes and the stationary bike for another 25 minutes, increasing my cardio by 20 minutes, then down to the pool where I pushed myself a little bit more. It is those “baby steps” that make me feel hopeful and excited. Before, I worked and worked and struggled and tried, but it seemed like my body was on an unwavering set-point and determined to hold onto every pound. Now with very little “will-power,” “self-control,” or self-discipline, I am seeing progress. Another little indication of my improvements are my eyes. Last night one of the sisters turned to me and said, “I bet you have heard this before, but you have the most beautiful blue eyes.” I thought, “Not really.” Rob used to tell me that a lot when we were first dating, engaged and married. But to me my eyes become clearer and blue-er when they are healthier, meaning unclogged by a lot of junk, fatty foods, etc. So on my journey to a thinner me, these are great baby steps!

Now, I must add one more note. I recently received the insurance costs for the “hospital” for my lap-band. If I had had to pay for it, the hospital alone would have cost me $14,521.10, but Regence was able to whittle off a mere $5,464.04 and so only had to pay $9,057.06 which brings the total outlay for Regence for my lap-band was $12,737.05 whereas it would have cost me $28,041.10. So the hospital worker who checked me in for my surgery on Thursday morning when I told him that a lap-band procedure cost around $13-15,000 raised his thumb up and said, “a lot more” was right! I have looked at that hospital bill and for the 5 hours I was on their property, it would have cost me over $2900 an hour! Gee, and I’m excited when I get $40 an hour! It is sad that the price is so high because I believe it will be the chief factor to my getting down to a normal weight and I know many others for whom a lap-band is really the only way to silence those Sirens! Thanks for reading! Love, Marilyn

What a difference a new stomach makes!

When I stepped on the scales this morning, it wavered a bit and my heart leaped in my throat as I saw it go 296 and then waffled up to 299, but you know what? I was thrilled! Why, because I have seen it up to 333 and 299 is 34 pounds less. And being under 300 is a "mini" milestone. Many people ask how much weight I have lost and I always tell them that that is a bit of a conundrum. In order to be approved by my insurance, I had to maintain or lose (not gain) and the weight I was aiming for was 320, which I met each doctor's appointment, but starving to get down to it. However, when I saw Dr. Clinch on December 1st, I weighed 325 and that is where I take my bearings from. I had to lose 10 pounds before surgery so that my liver would be shrunk enough not to block a good view of the stomach. Every lap-bander and gastric bypasser says, "If I could lose 10 pounds, I wouldn't be getting a lapband!!!" But they say you can do it and so I did, (10.5, yeah!) Then I lost another couple more after surgery and by the time I went back to see Dr. Clinch on Feb 2nd. I weighed 307. So today, 6 days after my fill, I have lost 8 pounds! Does it work? Yes, it does!

As I have pondered about the last few days, all I can think of is I feel I have been reborned! In talking to my sister today, I said, "Our family was always about food. We would sit around the table and eat until it was all gone, whether, we were full or not, the object was not to have leftovers." My mom proudly told me that in Panama I would just devour banana after banana after banana, as though I were winning some Olympic competition. Eating became an art form and as the serving sizes continued to be super-sized so did our ability to eat more and more. My friend Corinne said her family motto was eat until your sick. On my mission food was the only "recreation" a missionary had, I mean we couldn't sleep in, we couldn't swim, go out, play around, etc. Eating was our only break in our day after day after day schedule, it became a wonderful moment to relax and eat. Now, I did lose weight on my mission because I did the Atkins diet which was a diet that said you can eat anything as long as you stay in a state of ketosis. But looking back, that was probably one of the worst things I could have done to my body, but wanting to be thin makes us do lots of dumb things.

As time went by, I would try to lose weight and diet and exercise and go to Weight Watchers and write down every calorie and yet I still had this overwhelming sense that I was starving. My brain kept telling me, "You're hungry, You're hungry" and no matter how many times I told myself, "You've had enough calories, you are NOT hungry," it would say, "Yes, I am!" So it became a battle of the brain signals and my mental arguments and you know what, it feels good to be full and to have your brain say, "you're full!" So I ate. It was like an addiction, but the problem is you just can't avoid a bar or a drug dealer, you had to eat to live and one bite generally led to another.

Now, it's like I have a new stomach (which of course I do) but a stomach that says, "you're full" when I've only had 4 ounces of food. And you know what? That is a fabulous feeling. I am no longer arguing with my brain, we are on the same page. This sense of having enough, of being full is a wonderful gift. In a way it reminds me of when my friend, Bill Bennet,t got a new kidney and he said, "I never realized how bad I really felt" Well, I guess that's what I've learned. I never realized how wonderful it is to have your brain, body and mind all agree, "I'm full!!"

To fill and to be filled! that is the answer!!!

I got my first "fill" on Tuesday, February 2nd, Groundhog Day! I admit that I wasn't upbeat and positive, in fact, I'm afraid I was a little "Rob"ish, simply because Dr. Clinch said, "We don't want to make it so tight that you can't swallow your spit" and impatient me is thinking, "Make it tight, make it tight!" So I admit that I wasn't sure this first fill would do much for me. Imagine my surprise, when I honestly couldn't eat and didn't care! To be full, to be filled! What a wonderful experience! YEAH!! I have lost 4 pounds in three days! without even trying! I am just not hungry. Most of the time I have to say, "Gee, it's time to eat, I haven't eaten for a while, I should eat, what should I eat." That's what thin people say or at least rumor has it. For me, it has always been "gotta eat, gotta eat, gotta eat NOW!" Gotta eat till I'm full and I'm never full. But now, it's like, I feel like I should eat one more bit of cod or brussel sprout and I'm looking at it and I'm thinking, "If I eat this will it be too much?" Too much is when you get this overwhelming sensation of "you shouldn't have done that! I got that experience on Wednesday. I was getting ready to go to the Ward Activity and I had made Baked Cod with Spinach and I ate, what I considered about 3/4 of cup and all of a sudden, I felt really sick, so I just had to lie down and let it pass. It took an hour. Then when I went to the activity there were hundreds and I do mean hundreds of cookies, all yummy looking but for me, it was "please don't show me any food, I can't eat it!"

Today, Friday, I went to Costco, and it was Super Bowl Snack Time, every dealer was there hawking their wares and giving away lots of free samples. There was ice cream with blueberries, three different kinds of chicken wings, canned chicken sandwiches like Stephanie makes, avocados, salmon, salsa, meatballs, pulled pork sandwiches, it was a huge free for all. I ate ONE chicken wing and said, "Yuck, I can't eat another bite!" I walked past the salsa, the hummus, the chocolate cake, the juices, and stood in the detergent aisle trying to get my bearings! When I left Costco there were only three food items in my entire cart, a salmon, some scallops and bananas, that's it! There were napkins and laundry detergent, etc. but everything looked overwhelming to me and I would ask, "Why should I buy that, I really won't enjoy it." Then I came home and had some yogurt, because it goes down nicely. Dr. Clinch would not approve, he wants me to eat protein first and foremost to get that full feeling, but sometimes, I just want to be comfortable and now "fulness" has a whole new meaning to me. To be filled is such a good feeling and with so little effort.

The best thing is that when I stepped on the scale at the gym today, I wondered if I would have lost any weight because I am eating and I am not hungry and yet, two more pounds from yesterday were gone and I'm thinking what's going on? Is this really true? It's too good to be true. I am feeling like I will be able to lose weight. Today I pushed myself a little harder on the bike and the up/down pedal elliptical and it felt good. I walked up stairs a little better and for the first time, I actually feel thinner. Now, since I first saw Dr. Clinch, I have lost 23 pounds. Before when I have lost 20 or 30 pounds, I have never felt it. But this time, I do feel thinner and the nice part is I honestly believe it will never come back. On to the fill!!!! I see Dr. Clinch in 6 weeks, sooner, if I feel stymied on my weight loss, and more than likely I will get another fill because when the lap band was installed, it was installed around a stomach that had a lot of fat around it, so as the fat disappears, the band will need to get an adjustment or a fill! This is a great way to live! To be filled is wonderful. You can see in my blogging, that Shakespeare has a lot of influence, or maybe just Hamlet!!! So to blog or not to blog, to be filled and to be happy! YEAH!!