Tightening and Thinning

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that before babies can grow they have to get fat. I have determined that the opposite must also hold true, before a person can “thin” they have to “tighten.” At present I am in uncharted territory. It has been at this plateau in my life where I throw up my hands and say, “I give up; I surrender to the constant message in my head.” If I am not going to lose weight, what is the point of “hanging in there!” In previous attempts I have lost 40 or so pounds and then it is like the entire system stops, breaks down, doesn’t move. I just sit at whatever weight I land on after losing 40-50 pounds and just circle around two or three numbers, going up and down one or two pounds for about 4 months, even though I am eating the same, exercising, and following the same regime I had when I started dieting. And yet, I just sit. It is always that this point that people come up to me and say, “Wow, I can tell you have lost weight!” How much?” they question?” And I am chagrined to say, “Nothing for the past month or so. “Well, you look great!” I feel like I am taking borrowed feathers because I haven’t lost anything, but now, since my mind isn’t screaming at me, I can think a little clearer and I think I am definitely “tightening” up the loose skin around my face, legs and arms and it is those changes that are quite visible. Hence the myriad of comments. So I am getting positive feedback, just not on the scale where I want it!

In some ways, we have microcosms of life or types and shadows if you will, where we get the message that “enduring to the end” is part of the great truths we have to learn. Not only to endure, but endure it well, cheerfully, upbeat and positively, so to speak. When things seem to “weigh” down on us, we have to stop mummuring and whining and “keep on trucking!” That was my mission motto, “keep on trucking,” i..e “keep on going” Keep up on keeping on! It all means the same, when things aren't progressing, you’re depressed, discouraged, keep on going through the night because there will be “joy in the morning.” Lose yourself in projects, in getting out of the box, in thinking of others, in lifting and lightening the load. Whatever it is, stop focusing on the negatives, accentuate the positives. There are so many clichés that obviously this is a universal message and a universal hope. My dad always said, “As long as you have health, you have everything. And if you don’t have health, you can always have hope.” Hope is the mainspring, the constant nourishing food, the hope, faith, belief that things will get better. If we can just get to the top of the hill, it will be downhill and we can rest. So, I just want you all to know that “I’m going to keep on going!

What is food? Really?

When I studied Latin in college, along with the language we studied the culture and I learned that Romans had not only dining areas but also a “vomitarium,” an adjacent room, where people threw up what they ate. Gluttony was in high form. Several years ago we had a Murder Mystery Party about the Titanic and wanting to be very authentic, I found a book that listed what the final meal was aboard the Titanic. After reading it, I thought “Titanic” was an apt name. I turned to my daughter, Stephanie, and said, “Well, after eating all that, it’s obvious why the ship sank!” But that was in the Edwardian days when eating was an event that you dressed for, had your hair coiffured, your body bejeweled, and your best manners “spit and polished!” There were established rules of conduct, specific courses with particular utensils, and a host of do’s and don’t’s. Dinner was a ballet--a pageant of colors and tastes for both the eyes and the palate. The more ornate and spectacular, the more your dinner parties were talked about and that was the object and goal of every aspiring woman of society—to have a dinner that knocked your socks off!

While watching Julie & Julia, I learned that Julia Child was trying to create a cookbook for the “servant-less American housewife.” And it crossed my mind that that was a turning point in our history. We felt we could do it all. We could cook the dinner, dress for dinner, serve the dinner, eat the dinner and clean up the mess. And these would not be the macaroni and cheese casseroles for the hoi polloi; no, these would be the Beef Wellington and Chicken Cordon Bleu dinners for the upwardly mobile Americans who had an inferiority complex about not being “noble-born.” We would show them, our dinners would rival the elite of Europe! Naturally, when women discovered that they couldn’t do it all, even with automatic dishwashers, bread makers, rice cookers, microwaves, and salad spinners—restaurants and McDonald’s, showed us how to eat. Unfortunately, instead of the home-grown vegetables and whole wheat bread, we got canned, processed, packaged, and partly hydrolyzed food. Selling the food became more important than whether the food was good for you or not. Businessmen needed a product that “you couldn’t eat just one.” They wanted a product that was classy and addictive, and so food became loaded with salt, sugar and fat. We won’t buy organic because it costs more and why should I buy one tomato at $1.99 a pound when I can buy 12 huge tomatoes for $5.99. Gluttony has always been a deadly sin, but it came out in force in the United States and we have become the fattest nation on earth and one of the nations who abhors it the most. So we have a love-hate relationship with food. We love to eat it, mounds and mounds of it, but we hate what it does to us. We want them to invent a food that gives us the feeling of fullness without any calories.

As babies our comfort was to be held AND fed, and somehow, it got into our psyches that if we wanted to feel safe, secure and happy, there better be food. No party is a party without food, even pity parties! And so food became my safe haven. I lived to eat! And I loved it. Now with my lapband, food no longer has that allure. I mean I love food, but because I’m limited I want something I really want, not something just to “fill the space, the time, the moment.” I find myself thinking and pondering more about what I truly want to eat and a lot of times it’s cottage cheese and pineapple. Sometimes it is raspberries and grapes, but usually it is my “New Whey Protein Drink.” An incredible find, only 3.4 ounces that has 42 grams of protein for only 180 calories, no fats, no carbs, just straight protein, and believe it, it tastes horrible! But I feel great when I have a day with over 100 grams of protein.

Unfortunately, the one food I can eat that would be better if I dropped from my diet is sugar, and nothing goes better with sugar that chocolate. I love the scene in Ever After where the “wicked” stepsister has the prince put a piece of chocolate in her mouth and she has this look of ecstasy and says, “Delicious!” I think there were a lot of women in the theatre rushing out to get some Junior Mints or Milk Duds! So chocolate is the one food that has no problem with a lap-band. In fact, if you are a candy-holic, then lap-bands aren’t for you. In talking to my friends, I have found that bread no longer has an allure for me, I can eat it; but it doesn’t like me very much. Before my lap-band, I never thought I would ever be able to give up bread—Bruce’s rolls, French bread, croissants. But, voila, is isn’t fun to eat bread!! And so when I eat, I have to ask myself, “What do I want to eat? What can I eat that will make me feel good? And feel satisfied.”

Last week, as I was getting the dinner for David and Rob ready to take the temple, I opted to just have a salad with shrimp. Alexa was packing it for me and she asked if she had put in enough shrimp and I said, “A little bit more for the guys, I’m fine with what you have.” And she said, “Are you sure there’s enough, Mom?” And I said, “Haven’t you noticed I can’t eat large amounts anymore?” And she said, “No, really?” And I said questioningly, “Yea, really?” “No, mom, I haven’t noticed that you can only eat two bites of something, that you only fill your plate with about one-half cup of food, No MOM, I haven’t noticed! Of course I have noticed!”

It is very interesting to me. What I think a portion is, now. Before my plate was bulging with food, now I take one large tablespoon each of salad, fresh fruit and scrambled eggs, and sit down and Alexa says, “Are you going to be able to eat that, Mom?” And I say, “No, but I want the visual and I’ll give you the plate when I’m finished.” And 40 minutes later, she finishes it off. Last Sunday, we drove up to Ferndale to watch the temple dedication and afterwards, I invited Bruce and his family to eat the chicken-salad filled croissants I had made. I made one for everyone, including myself and Rob looked at me and said, “You’re not going to be able to eat that.” And I said, “I know, but I like to think I could.” So three bites later, I passed it back to David to finish it off.

So what has a lap-band done for me. It’s taught me what a portion size is, and you know what, it is LOT smaller than most people think. I go to restaurants and the sizes are over the top. About twenty minutes into the meal, I look around at everyone’s plates and they are all empty while mine is still 90% full. In some ways I’ve gone back to the Edwardian time where you ate one course, and then another, but the serving sizes were very small, and people took a long time to eat, talk and converse—I mean those corsets were the external lap-band! But for the future, it will be interesting to see how long the wedding feast will be and how much, but for sure, all will be filled and there will be enough and to spare whether it is two fish and five loaves or twelve baskets.

Setpoints and Setbacks!

I just returned from a trip to Utah where I watched my “honorary adopted” daughter, Virginia, be married to her prince, Scott Richins. I also used this time to visit my mom and sister and some friends. It was a good time and I went to the gym 5 out of the 7 days I was there. I wanted to eat healthy and well and when I returned home, I had my first opportunity to step on the scale and see what had occurred. I was shocked, surprised and delighted to see the scale read 281.0 I couldn’t believe it! I had to weigh myself FOUR more times just to verify its accuracy. 6.6 pounds in 7 days! I was elated, jumping up and down. I LOST WEIGHT on VACATION! Could anything be better, “I submit it cannot”! Today I stepped on the scale again and read 283.0. I was blown away! How could I have gained two pounds in one day when I only ate 1448 calories and exercised for almost two hours for 901 calories spent (according to Fitday.com, of course, but what do they know). But there it was--two pounds up! Why? Why???? Why!!!!! Water retention? Muscle gain? What?

Here again, the almighty scale is pre-dominant in my thoughts. Again, I try to figure out what is going on. I should relax and be happy. I mean originally I only wanted to weigh 290 by the end of March, and then 285, I would have been very happy, but by dangling 281 in front of me, I found myself unsatisfied for the 283. This is so much of a game of cat and mouse. I think I’ve got the problem solved and licked, and it comes back to bite me in the foot. My emotions are intertwined with the scale. It doesn’t matter how many people come up and tell me that I’m looking great, that they can see I’ve lost weight, etc. I want validation from the numbers! Today a woman I don’t ever remember seeing came up to me and said, “I’ve been watching you for three years and I just want you to know I can tell you have lost weight.” “Three years,” I thought, “She couldn’t have said that unless she knew I have been going to the gym for three years.” The tragedy is that I weigh what I weighed when I started at the gym. I had gained 40+ pounds and I finally had lost it. In another ten pounds I will be at my lowest point in the past 10 years, and then as each new set-point is reached, I will say, the last time I weighed this was 1997 or 1991 or 1985. The numbers are a carrot being dangled in front of me.

I started this blog the first week of April and here it is the day after taxes and I still haven’t finished it. I went to the gym this morning and watched Julie & Julia and it was so mesmerizing that I had to work out for 35 minutes on my favorite bouncy elliptical, 35 minutes on the bike and 35 minutes on the treadmill and finished off the total 123 minute movie in the women’s locker room changing into my swimsuit. It was wonderful. I was right there with her making Lobster Thermidor and Boeuf Bourguignon and tasting the raspberry crème and thinking this is wonderful, this is grand, this is life! I couldn’t help feeling like Julie, an unpublished writer, who is trying to define and find herself and does it through food. I thought maybe I would define myself by “not eating food.” And write about my experiences of losing weight, but I realized another interesting component in the movie and that is the crucial difference between a fat and thin person. “Self-absorption.” Not saying thin people can’t be compassionate, caring, and nurturing, nor that fat people aren’t selfish and narcissistic, but it was the original reason a blog had a little or no interest to me. Writing about me all the time is overwhelmingly shallow and uninteresting! Talking about the frustrations of being fat and trying to lose weight is even more tedious! At least I think it is!
But there is so much more and so many more ideas that come to me when I ponder how I got to this point and what I am learning from it and then I wonder, “What’s the point of writing?” And I realize it is somewhat cathartic, but it also enables me to verbalize and visualize my angst as I’m going through this becoming a new person.

Many people when they lose weight all of sudden have lots of people acknowledging them and admiring them and they get hurt because they feel, “I was always inside here, why didn’t anyone notice me?” The problem was they noticed the fat person and all they could see was the fat. “She’s so fat” jokes and all kidding aside, being obese is seen as a crime. People look at obese people and think, “How did she ever get so fat!” “How can she stand to be seen in a swimsuit!” “Doesn’t she know her clothes are bursting at the seams?” “Why doesn’t she lose weight!” “Why is she eating chocolate!” It’s like a fat person is “weighed” in the balance, tried, convicted and sentenced among a group of her thin peers and we ALL do it! I am just as guilty as the next person of condemning a person for being fat! I used to dream of being Tongan where fat is seen as a sign of wealth and status, or in a Rubens painting—now there are some voluptuous curves. But try as we might to see fat as positive, we live in a world where even the most beautiful women are “air-touched” and enhanced to look more thin and beautiful, and so we all have self-hate issues, where we look at our physical features and condemn then for not being perfect.
For the past several years I have made it a practice to see people, really see them. I think it was after reading The Anatomy of Peace and Leadership and Self-Deception and the desire to be “out of the box.” In the Anatomy of Peace they talk about I-It and I-Thou and I guess I skimmed over it and didn’t really read it the first time, but this last week as I was reading it again, it struck a responsive chord. I realized that many, many times I see people as annoyances to my personal space. For example, I am planning on going in the hot tub for a final “massage” and comfort spot and voila someone steps in the tub just when I wanted to and I think, “Get out, I want it all to myself!” But then I think, “Okay, Marilyn, let’s really see this person and listen to his or her story.” And you know what? Every single time I have done this, I have been so grateful for the connecting with another human being and my heart has been softened. It is literally amazing to me.

Recently, I decided to make an effort to talk to a man I watch almost every day coming into the pool. He seemed very self-absorbed and into himself and so I started talking to him and he immediately warmed up and smiled. I discovered that he is from the Ukraine and can barely speak English and now every time I come to the pool and see him, he smiles a huge smile at me and waves. And I think there was a very lonely man who everyone ignored and now he has a friend. Will the scale ever be my friend? Doubtful. Will I ever be able to look at a weigh fluctuation and not get depressed? Not likely! No-“I-Thee” there, the scale is definitely an I-IT!!

Is it easy or is it hard?

Losing weight is like walking a tightrope. Some days you have the grace and style that enables you to walk effortlessly across the rope without a quiver or a stumble. Other days, life is out of balance and even one step across the rope portends an imminent fall or crash. People ask me how the lap-band is doing and honestly it is one of the easiest weight loss tools of my life. But on the other hand, it still takes commitment and dedication.

In some ways it is like Christ’s invitation to take upon ourselves His yoke. He says that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. But I don’t think anyone would disagree that Christ’s yoke is somewhat uncomfortable at times (I mean it is a yoke, right!) and easy is a comparative word. It’s easier than Satan’s bondage because it gives one peace and peace of mind is a great blessing. But also it is a long-term commitment whose rewards are not instantaneous, but rather accumulative. So I would say that a lap-band is like the still small voice that tells you to keep going and keep picking yourself up after tumbling into the net below. Unfortunately, because it is a still small voice, I can override it with my actions, so I have to be pretty committed and have to keep going and keep using the lap-band as a tool rather than the solution. Losing weight is work. And I am working hard, but with a lap-band losing weight is also easy and light.

Sometimes when I am very hungry or at least think I am very hungry and just want to gobble any and everything in sight, the lap-band will pull me up short with a terribly uncomfortable feeling that says, “Oh and by the way, you didn’t chew that enough, you didn’t eat slowly enough, and you definitely will be coughing and maybe coughing up what you thought was so vitally important to stuff in your mouth.” Then there comes that moment of illumination when you say, “Oh, yeah, right, I do want to lose weight and this might not be the smartest thing I’ve done.”

So it needs recommitment every day and it needs a moment or two to get back on track and say, “Keep going, overcome the plateaus, think past the moment frustrations, and keep working at it.” Whereas before the lap-band, my remorse at overeating occurred after I had eaten thousands and thousands of calories. Now, I do get an immediate sensation after only a couple hundred extra calories and that is a great blessing. As my stepdad, Bill would say:

Patience is a virtue
Achieve it if you can
Seldom found in women
And never in a man!

So I try to think of the ultimate goal and when I am hungry and want something like a Costco chocolate muffin, I grab the fresh raspberries and strawberries and say, “Not today!” It is hard and easy, a mind game and an impulsive thirst. But being able to have a non-human, unemotional device that reminds me, “HEY!! Stop eating!” in a very kind and effective way, makes it EASY.

The Almighty Scale and the Power of TEN!

It seems ridiculous that a mechanical weights and measures device can be so important when one is losing weight, but it is! And although diet books caution you against weighing yourself every day, I can’t help it. So every morning after my workout, shower and blow-drying my hair, I stand buck-naked on the Gold Gym’s scale in the women’s locker room and wait with anticipation to see if I have lost another tenth of a pound. On days that I do, I skip, I dance, I “yippee” and on days that I don’t lose anything, I murmur, “Oh well,” and on days that I GAIN---ooooh, that’s ugly!

Last week as I watched that scale descend bit by bit, every day was a happy day. Then on the weekend I wasn’t able to make it to the gym and I had to hope that all was well; however, on Monday rather than that descending ounce or two, I saw a TWO POUND increase! I immediately started my “Jeremiad” and lamentations! Admittedly, I did eat a piece of chocolate cake at Virginia’s bridal shower and a chicken-filled croissant, but on the whole a mere 1697 calories for Saturday and 1438 calories on Sunday do not constitute a two-pound increase. People tried to assuage my fury with comments about “water retention” and “natural rhythms of your body,” etc. but it was poppycock as far as I was concerned. I knew that I hadn’t been exercising that day and if don’t exercise, all food goes to fat. So for the next three days, I increased my activity and ate under 1500 and finally this morning, Thursday, March 11, 2010, I lost what I should have lost last week and hit 290.2 pounds. As the scale waffled between 289 and 290, I cheered for the straight 290.0 because no matter what we think and believe there is a huge difference between 290.2 and 290.0. It’s the power of 10! Being under 300 was a magic moment for me and somehow when one hits that 290, it’s another great moment. Every ten is ten pounds and no matter if you start at 333 or 327, or 224, it’s those ten’s, those zeros that somehow signal success. I don’t get it, I don’t understand it, but I know it to be true. My friend, Lynette wanted to lose 90 pounds and she hovered at 88.9, it’s just not 90, and another friend, Debbie, wanted to be under 200 pounds and somehow 201, doesn’t do it. No matter how much weight one has lost before unless one gets to one of those defining zeros, it is like life hangs in the balance.

Let me explain. In 1991, I wanted to get down to 180, but try as I might, after losing 69 pounds in 7 months, 182 was as close as I got and then I gave up. I joined Weight Watchers with my friends and it was a wonderful time, but try as I might I worked to get over that 50 pound weight loss mark and get the applause, adulation and a key chain token, I never made it. I lost 46 pounds and no further, and then I just gave up. In 2007, I started again to beat the dragon at 319.5 pounds and got to 271, 48.5 pound weight loss and then no further. What is it with 50!!! I would scream. But what was even worse is that from June 1st to October 1st (4 months) I lost 42 pounds in 4 months making 10 pounds a month. From October 1st to January 1st I lost only 6 pounds (2 pounds a month!!!!) I’m sorry, but it almost impossible to keep struggling to lose weight when there are no “scale” reinforcements! Yes, many may say, “I can tell you have lost weight.” And you just have to smile because you know that not an ounce has gone away and people say, “Well muscle weighs more than fat.” Yes, but there is so much fat can’t it take a vacation as well. A smaller dress size is a wonderful sign, but that “almighty scale” is what we want to read, SHOW ME THE NUMBERS!!! And what is even sadder is that we remember what we weighed at significant moments: when we got married, when we turned 30, 40, when we went to get our driver’s license, etc. It reminds me of the story of a granddaughter who was cleaning up her grandmother’s belongings after her death and took a picture down off the wall and noticed some writing on the back. Thinking it might have given more information about when and where the photo was taken, she looked carefully and read, “125 pounds.”

Yes, unfortunately, try as I might not to let those numbers mean anything, they unfortunately really mean the difference between my skipping down the stairs with a smile on my face ready to meet the world and my trudging along thinking, “Why, why, WHY!!!” Many say that the number on the scale isn’t that important, it’s how you feel, your health, wellness, etc., but sadly for me and my house, IT IS EVERYTHING!! When the numbers don’t appear, then the constant hunger pains, the passing up foods you want, and the hours of exercise seem to blur and you lose patience and focus and surrender to call of the siren. Food never tastes as good and the joy of being full again overcomes those feelings of guilt and pound by pound one puts back the pounds of struggle and effort. It is hard to lose weight and keep it off, but for me the lap-band is a tool that somehow quiets the siren and makes a weight gain less tragic than in years past.

This time, when I cross that 50-pound mark, I look forward to another 50 and then another 50. The lap-band has given me hope that I never knew existed. I find myself full on a “serving.” I can’t eat the large quantities nor do I hear the constant singing of that “food siren.” It is much easier to keep committed and to work hard when eating large portions is no longer satisfying, filling, or delightful. Gone is the feeling of deprivation and denial. I feel the way a thin person feels; I can’t eat any more, not because I don’t want to eat it, but physically, I just can’t eat it (something that NEVER occurred before the lap-band, there was always room for one more piece of pie, scoop of ice cream, or See’s chocolate.) I know that as one gets older, the body starts to metabolize differently and it is harder and harder to lose weight, but for right now, there is a great deal of hope and I can visualize success. I am happy, even with a two-pound gain (even though I still don’t think I should have gained it) because it increased my desire to lose. It made me realize that I have to have “faith and works.” It made me more committed to be more careful, eat more wisely, and exercise with more energy and gusto. Sometimes it seems that life is ruled by the numbers or as Rob would say, “Math is the language of God.” Who knows? I’m beginning to think Rob has a point. I mean with all the comments about being “weighed in the balance and found wanting” maybe there is some truth to it. Who knows, maybe God has a scale, too!

It's Faith AND WORKS!

Last Monday (February 22nd) I went to the monthly "Lap-banders" meeting and met Jana Sifuentes. She was at the original meeting I attended two years ago and learned that all the sensors that tell you that you are full are at the top of the your stomach and that the lap-band enables those sensors to be activated. It was an "AHA" moment I will never forget. So when Jana came up to me, it was very nostalgic. Jana had her lap-band in January 2009, a year earlier but due to two surgeries had sort of not been able to keep active and had lost only 50-60 pounds. To me she looked great and looked like she had lost a lot more. We talked about the monthly meetings and she said what they really should do is hook up an experienced lap-bander with a newbie. I turned to her and said, "Will you be my mentor?" And so together we are sending each other daily reports on our calorie intake and outgo and for this past week. With the daily return and report, I have had another epiphany.

Despite what I knew and had heard, I was hoping that the lap-band would be the final answer to a lifetime of being overweight. And in many ways it is. It is somewhat like the gift of the atonement of Jesus Christ. It is a free gift that enables us to change, repent, and become as He is. But for many Christians, the idea is that all you have to do is believe in Christ and you will be saved. Well, that's what I sort of hoped the lap-band would be. All I needed to do was to have it installed and it would keep me on the straight and narrow. But in the first few weeks after my first fill, I was still comfortable having butter on my Brussell sprouts and cream on my fish sauce. So when Jana and I decided to do Fitday.com every day, it brought me up to reality. I realized that I was eating a lot more calories than I should be eating and that I would need to work to stop letting these extra sins, extra calories, aka extra peccadilloes creep in the way. It was amazing. This week I have lost three pounds and can really see that my eating was inhibiting my weight loss. I realized that I need to aim for under 1200 calories a day and with the lap band that is not only a possibility it is a reality, but it takes work. You just can’t say, “I believe” and not keep the commandments. You have to conform to the program. You have to do your part and that is one thing I have learned. However, before it seemed overwhelming to fight not only the voice but also my natural inclination to want to “fill my plate.” Now, I think, I need to keep my calories down, so I will have strawberries instead of fried potatoes, I will choose the broiled fish instead of the fish in cream sauce. I still can only eat a small amount, but the calories have come down and with it, so has my weight. It is true. In order for the lapband to be effective, you have to work. It is only a tool. Likewise, in order to become perfected, you have to work and work hard. We are saved by grace after all we can do, but God expects us to do—He expects us to work! And losing weight is not just a matter of making your stomach smaller it is also a matter of making correct choices, just as in the game of life.

The Call of the Sirens

Odysseus knew about the dangers of listening to the Sirens, but that still didn’t keep him from wanting to hear them, so he stuffed his sailors’ ears with wax, tied himself to the mast, and got his wish, to hear the song of the Sirens and not be killed. For me the call of the Siren has always been food. Sometimes it has just been a low incessant whisper, “you’re hungry, you’re hungry” that can be disregarded for a time but never ever completely ignored. Sometimes it comes as a loud booming, “gotta eat now, GOTTA EAT RIGHT NOW!” which can send me into a full-scale binge. But that consistent, insistent hum has never been very far from my brain. Therefore, it came as a delightful surprise in December when the music was turned off, and again in February, when the voice was silenced. But only 5 days later after my first fill on February 2nd, I found myself in the swimming pool, “wondering what I would want for breakfast.” As I waded through the water, I realized I was listening to call of the Siren again. I had forgotten the power of the call in just a few days, kind of like how moms forget how bad labor really is. The voice was strong and I found myself wanting to eat, looking for things to eat, and I thought, “Hey, what is going on?!” So I called up the doctor’s office to schedule another “fill.” Anything to keep the orchestra from playing; unfortunately, they couldn’t see me until the following week, so for almost 2 weeks, I have been listening to the “Siren’s call.” This lets me know exactly what a lap-band does, it silences the continuous drumming.

When my dad was in prison camp, he said the Japanese fed you just enough that kept you starving and craving food; whereas if you just stopped eating eventually you would have no desire nor ability to eat and you would die. But just a little here and a little there kept the appetite whetted and screaming, and the prisoners going crazy with hunger. Despite the Siren’s song, the lap-band has luckily prevented me from an all-out inhaling of food, but it did add a pound or two and definitely allowed me to eat more calories than I needed. This break from my “fill” has given me a reality check of exactly what my lap-band does for me. It turns off the SIREN! And that is wonderful!

Sometimes, I keep thinking how effortlessly it is to eat small amounts, when before if I started eating, I just couldn’t seem to stop eating; it was like a continual foraging for food. Yesterday, I went in for my second fill and it was miraculous, truly miraculous. Food had lost its appeal. I was downstairs in the temple cafeteria eating a chicken pot pie with David and literally I ate 5 bites, that was it, that was all I wanted, I was full. FIVE BITES! I had the same experience after my first fill, 4 ounces of salmon and two Brussels sprouts and I’m finished. It’s hard to believe that a cc of saline solution can have that kind of effect and give that kind of result! This morning when I went to the gym (as I always do, I weighed myself) and I had lost 3 pounds in one day. THREE POUNDS! For a week, I had been struggling to get back under 300 pounds and in ONE day without any effort at all or pretty minimal, voila, I’m 298. So what is it? In talking to Katherine, who injects the saline solution, it is a matter of timing and filling. The first couple of days your stomach may “swell” because it is being tightened and then it heals and loosens up, so trying to find that perfect sweet spot is quite the trial and error chore. I assume that I need it to be a little tighter than normal the first couple of days because it will relax and become “too easy” to eat. So rather than wait TWO WEEKS, I have scheduled another appointment for Wednesday, February 24th. Of course, Katherine says I am right on schedule (according to her) I have lost a pound a week—who wants to lose just a pound? I am voting for 2-3 pounds a week, but then I have never been one to be patient! She looked at my scars and said, “Oh, these are healing up quite nicely, you will have very tiny, almost unnoticeable little lines, you’re incisions are great.” And I counter incredulously, “Really, they’re healing nicely—they’re all red!” “Yes,” she smiled and answered, “but it usually takes 6 months for the red to go away and you’re doing great!”

So, although I am impatient patient and “short”-suffering subject, I am feeling hopeful. Today was another red-letter day. I needed a cookbook and our cookbooks are located above the fridge. Usually, I have to open the fridge get as close to the books as possible and tug, but I couldn’t see the “Slow-cooker Cookbook” I wanted and I had to make a decision. Do I get on a chair? That may sound pretty straightforward and uncomplicated to you, but I haven’t stood on a chair for more than two years--a ladder, a stepstool, okay, but not a chair, too high, too wobbly, too much effort and far too dangerous. But I wanted that book and I couldn’t see it, and so I grabbed a sturdy kitchen chair and hoisted myself up and I made it! It was amazing! A few minutes later, I did it again to look on the top shelf of the pantry. These are big strides! I have been enjoying a little more freedom of movement. This morning, I worked out on the “bouncy” elliptical, (it’s harder than the typical elliptical, more like you are on a trampoline) for 25 minutes and the stationary bike for another 25 minutes, increasing my cardio by 20 minutes, then down to the pool where I pushed myself a little bit more. It is those “baby steps” that make me feel hopeful and excited. Before, I worked and worked and struggled and tried, but it seemed like my body was on an unwavering set-point and determined to hold onto every pound. Now with very little “will-power,” “self-control,” or self-discipline, I am seeing progress. Another little indication of my improvements are my eyes. Last night one of the sisters turned to me and said, “I bet you have heard this before, but you have the most beautiful blue eyes.” I thought, “Not really.” Rob used to tell me that a lot when we were first dating, engaged and married. But to me my eyes become clearer and blue-er when they are healthier, meaning unclogged by a lot of junk, fatty foods, etc. So on my journey to a thinner me, these are great baby steps!

Now, I must add one more note. I recently received the insurance costs for the “hospital” for my lap-band. If I had had to pay for it, the hospital alone would have cost me $14,521.10, but Regence was able to whittle off a mere $5,464.04 and so only had to pay $9,057.06 which brings the total outlay for Regence for my lap-band was $12,737.05 whereas it would have cost me $28,041.10. So the hospital worker who checked me in for my surgery on Thursday morning when I told him that a lap-band procedure cost around $13-15,000 raised his thumb up and said, “a lot more” was right! I have looked at that hospital bill and for the 5 hours I was on their property, it would have cost me over $2900 an hour! Gee, and I’m excited when I get $40 an hour! It is sad that the price is so high because I believe it will be the chief factor to my getting down to a normal weight and I know many others for whom a lap-band is really the only way to silence those Sirens! Thanks for reading! Love, Marilyn