Saturday, December 11, 2010

To Die or Not to Die, that is the question?

The first of November I was working towards a monumental goal: 40 BMI. For people who are not conversant with that term, your Body Mass Index is based on your weight and your height and anything over 40 BMI is considered morbidly obese. For me the scale had to read 233, not 233.2 but 233 to be just plain obese, so on November 2nd I weighed 234. For several days, I would sniff my goal and inch closer and closer to my goal, but it kept eluding me. On the 15th of November, I weighed 233.2, but the very next day, I scored! And weighed 232.4! Yeah! I’m obese! But the next day, I went up to morbid, and for three weeks I have been fluctuating between death and plain fat, but today, December 10, 2010, I think I have turned the corner for good. I have lost 95 pounds and weigh 230. This is an important milestone or “pound”stone because it was a year ago that I was preparing to have bariatric surgery. I was determined to lose the 10 pounds before surgery so my liver wouldn’t get in the way and I was hoping that this last ditch effort would turn the tide in my constant battle of the bulge. It has been a year now since I received insurance approval for my lap-band and next Friday will be the first anniversary of my surgery. I am hoping that before the year is out, I will have reached that magical three-digit goal of losing 100 pounds! For me a hundred pounds is monumental. It means I am halfway to my ultimate weight-loss goal. I have lost a third of myself and I am no longer in the double digits of weight loss. I have never lost 100 pounds in one chunk. I have lost the same 10 pounds a hundred times or more but this has given me incredible hope that I will make all the goals I have set for myself. I have lost “Alexa” aka 235 was my pre-pregnant weight with Alexa, and now I am headed towards “Stephanie” namely 215 and then Jackie, 185 and another 25 pounds to get to my pre-pregnant weight with David. My doctor and his nurse are both very pleased with my weight loss and told me that usually lap-banders only lose 50-60 pounds after the first year of surgery. I told Dr. Clinch that I was determined to lose 100 pounds and he said, “90 is good!” But I said, “100 is better!” After 25 years of trying to lose my “babies’ fat” I believe that 2011 will be the year to get back my body. It is getting back my body that has made me ponder on truths that I didn’t understand, comprehend, believe, or even think about. And for lack of a better name, I call it is “The doctrine of ‘the body.’”

We came to earth to get a body. If that were the whole purpose of earth, we all could have just been born and died seconds later—we just would have had to have had one committed mom who would have kept pushing out babies. But I think there is more to understanding the purpose of this body than just to be clothed in a mortal tabernacle, I believe it is what we do with this mortal tabernacle that sets us apart. In a sense, I believe that the Parable of the Talents should be renamed, The Parable of the Body. In the parable there are three servants or “slaves” may be a better translation who were given 5, 2, and 1 talents
Matthew 25: 14-30
For the kingdom of heaven is as a man travelling into a far country, who called his own servants, and delivered unto them his goods. and unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey. Then he that had received the five talents went and traded with the same, and made them other five talents. And likewise he that had received two, he also gained other two. But he that had received one went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord's money. After a long time the lord of those servants cometh, and reckoneth with them. And so he that had received five talents came and brought other five talents, saying, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me five talents: behold, I have gained beside them five talents more. His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. He also that had received two talents came and said, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me two talents: behold, I have gained two other talents beside them. His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed: And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine. His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed: Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury. Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents. For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Here’s another way of looking at it, the Lord gave “every man according to his several ability.” In D&C 46 it says that everyone has a gift. And in this parable it says that every man gets something. The one thing we all have in common is that when we came to this earth we all got bodies. So what if this body is our talent. The fact that the first one got “five talents” or what could be said another way, “five senses.” With those senses he was able to enlarge upon his gifts and add additional insights, SENSItivities, or skills. I think of how meditation is one common denominator to all religions. We take time to ponder, to think, to meditate and commune with God. He enlarges our sensitivities to the spirit as we ponder. The more we try to listen to our body, the more at one we become with our spirit and our body. I have read how when we are born our brains can connect to many different nerve endings, but as we grow older the “juice” that enables these connections and helps us to learn and remember diminishes and we become more set in our ways and in our mid-twenties the connections are basically “soldered” and we discard connections we weren’t using. That is why chickens are pretty much up and moving as soon as they can, while baby crows take more time to develop. Higher intelligence brains need the flexibility or the risk factor to help develop imagination later on. We need both, both the flexibility and somewhat recklessness of our youth to come to wisdom in our fifties. Unfortunately, some of that recklessness we had in our youth damages our brains so much that we never get to that place where wisdom can develop. So in a sense we “bury” our talent through addictions, drugs, food, alcohol, video-gaming, pornography, whatever deadens the brain and body from sensitivity. But ultimately, we are to learn from our bodies. It is not enough just to learn how to walk and talk, but how to communicate body to spirit.

This parable has always upset me just a bit. Why was the one with one talent so castigated and cast out to outer darkness, while the one who earned 10 talents gets another talent. It didn’t make sense that a loving and kind “Lord” wouldn’t want all his children to enjoy the talent no matter what they did with it. Why did he want the one talent servant to “put his ‘money’” to work? But if you realize how important a body is, then it makes more sense. I admit that throughout my lifetime I have not appreciated and cherished my body. There have been many times when I have hated my body. I think Satan wants us to hate our bodies. I think he wants us to denigrate, destroy, and dismiss the importance of a body. He hates us because we have a body and he doesn’t; and so he is trying to convince us how unimportant and unnecessary a body is. But recently, I have thought about how we “remember the body of Jesus Christ.” Why? Why remember His body? Why not focus on His atonement or His loving-kindness or forgiveness, why remember the body? Joseph Smith when he saw God the Father and Jesus Christ said that their bodies defied all description, that they were brighter than the noonday sun, and they emanated light. How did that happen? How did the body become transparent and glorified? Their bodies were urim and thummins, lights and perfections. I think it was magnifying their talents while here on earth. When the one talent servant didn’t appreciate his body, when he degraded it and ended up burying it in an early grave, the whole purpose of this earth life was frustrated. He was supposed to learn from his body, grow and develop and make his “talent” something more and if he had used his body instead of abusing it, then he would have received some maturity and wisdom as he got older, but he didn’t. He “dissed” his body and buried his body and when the resurrection came, there was nothing to fill with glory, no light, but just ingratitude for a gift that had eternal consequences. I think that is why the “lord” is so disappointed with his servant. He knew that if he had just allowed the natural course of growth and development to occur he could have gained wisdom, he could have made more out of this earth experience, but instead he buried it.

As I have been going through my metamorphosis with my body, I have come to appreciate how important the learning is we are gaining from this body. There is a need for our body to degenerate. It is a part of life’s experience. In a way, our lifetime is like a chiasm. Our learning curve spans from infancy to senility, and our greatest understanding and growth arrives around our midlife crises. During our lifetime, we undergo experiences that heighten our understanding and appreciation for this gift or talent. My father always said that you never really appreciate something until you lose it. The one-talent servant never really appreciated his talent until it was given to another and he was cast out. He had made a big mistake. I am coming to value and appreciate more and more the marvels of the body and spirit connection. I have come to see that as I shed the weight, there is a different person inside. And I’m coming to like that person more and more. I believe that I am killing off the natural or the fat part of my life and coming to the light. My body is shining forth and as I communicate with it more and more, it gives me great light and truths.



:;Alexa's note:: MOM IS SOOOOOO TINY!!! This picture was taken from Alexa's phone so sorry it may be a little blurry, but still you get the image that she is has gotten so tiny! Also when I got home I could wrap my arms around you and squeeze her! Even if you say that "a picture adds 10 pounds" well mom has lost almost 100 pounds! you go! I love you! ::End of Alexa's note::

2 comments:

  1. I really like that analogy mom! And you are looking smashing good! :) Keep up all the hard work. I won't know how to recognize you when I see you in April!!!!!

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  2. This is a very profound post. You are brilliant, and I love you!

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